I've finally written my first piece in about six months and it is absolutely blazing hot! I'd like any comments that you got on it!

Finally

I don't live to write...

I write to LIVE

When I write I travel freely down the superhighway of my subconscious, jumping from neuron to neuron like a chinese acrobat, stimulating a tide of ideas that rise up like Tsunamis crashing down against my soul, unearthing things I never knew were even there until metaphors and similies begin to leap through my fingertips into my pen and onto blank pages upon which I release everything I have hidden deep inside, all of my rage, my frustration, my love and my inspiration, my trials and my triumphs, my pleasures and my pains, my hopes and my dreams as I use my words as my oils and watercolors to paint my masterpieces upon the canvas of language, hoping that someone, somewhere can interpret and decode my abstracts and feel the thng I feel and see the things I see and be touched just as I was and though I may not wear freshly twisted locs, or rock a son-of-the-earth four inch afro, and my words may not be laced with politically charged messages lke "Fight the Power" or "Down with the Man," or any of a thousand pick-your-own crusade catch-phrases, I still have something to say that could touch at least one soul out there who has walked a mle in my mocassins but you won't even let me on "The List" partly because that revolution that you so covet could and will be sparked by that unknown but proud voice coming from that dude that you never knew had it like that because you made him sit in the back so many times and he just did it with no complaints until one day the warrior blood within him began to bubble up with volcanic fury and he began to speak....and his words exploded from him with the force of an exploding star....destroying all doubt and fears of anyone within earshot that he was just some Average Joe who picked up a pen one day and strung a few words together until you finally took a second to Listen, and as the words floated effortlessly from his lips into the air, they hung there like a cloud of smoke and all around breathed them in and became high, elated in the fact that instead of reciting the status quo of material fairy tales, false wealth and misguided ideaologies, something new has come forth from the darkness and as all eyes fall upon this man and all ears become receptive, I realize for the first time in a long time that that man who stands a million miles away from me is the man that I used to be and the man that I am now, so I once again become him and walk in those shoes instead of daydreaming about it, as my perspective goes from spectator to participant, I return to what it is that makes my heart sing, breaking through the barriers of my own self-doubt with the force of a thousand jackhammers swinging in unison, touching the very fabric of my own dreams and desires that I had locked away and forgotten, as I embrace the power of language and the beauty of poetry like a long lost friend, coming to the revelation that its been far too long since I've picked up a pen, put it to a pad and let myself go.

Copyright @ Erik Bradford 2006

This entry is strictly for Jazmine. I am putting it out here for the world to see because I want the world to know how much of a fool that I was when it came to you. When we first started dating, all was good with the world. You brought me joy. I loved being around you. I loved having you around. You made me smile. You made me laugh. You taught me Spanish...which I REALLY miss  You were my friend and I will always love you for that. I wasn't completely honest with you about one particular thing and that was not fair. Now that you're going to Japan and we'll be 6000 miles away from you, I HAVE to confess to you something. I always knew that you and I would be lifetime friends. I've told you that a hundred times and I still believe it to this day. You were my all. You were my world. I used to wonder if someone would love me unconditionally and with everything and then you came along and showed it to me. And I loved you for that. You wll always have a place in my heart, although I know that I don't deserve a place in yours. You saw a shnng star in me and I see the same in you. Times have been hard but  know that things are about to take off for you and that you're going to take your place in the stars. I should have told you all of these thngs then but I ddn't and for that I am a fool. But better late than never right? I didn't deserve you and I hope that someone gves you all the joy and happness that you truly deserve even though I couldn't.

Yours Truly,

E

This may be my last entry on here for a while. My friends talked me into getting a MySpace account and I kind of dig it over there. I'll still probably write something on this page but I haven't decided yet. There's nothing saying that I can't write on both but i don't think that my busy schedule will allow that on most days. For all my peeps, if you see this, check me out on my second home www.myspace.com/badmojo66.

E

Happy Frakking New Year! Its been a while since I posted anything new. I just got my internet turned back on so now I'm back on the scene and I plan to be posting like I used to. This was a good outlet for me and I know that there were some people out there who enjoyed reading it just as much as I enjoyed wrting it so here goes.

Well I made it through another year Thank God  It's been full of ups and downs. I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and she made the comment that 2005 was a really good year for me as a whole. I got a job that I love. I finally moved out of my mamas out and got my own little spot. I found a woman that brings me joy. I made leaps and bounds in every way...financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

Although last year was filled with joy, I also had my share of hang-ups and most of it revolved around my car. I got my car broken into back in July which really sucks ass. Then, my apt complex thought my car was abandoned, which was some crap...but after I pitched a little bit of a fit, they paid to get it back to me which was kind of cool. But as soon as I got it back, it died on me. So I had to garage it for about 3 months until I could get it fixed. But I'm about to get it on Thursday and I am SOOOOOO Exited

Things are looking up for me and its time for me to really get back on the horse and do some things in 06. I feel like I was taking baby steps last year and this year I think I can start to jog a little. This year I want to finally DO all of the things that I've been talking about in the past. I'm finally going to take acting classes. In order to get to where I want to be, I have to run in the same circles wth like-minded people like myself. I'm also going to try and join a bowling league. Jazmine was a bowler and she kind of got me into it and now I kind of like it. It's really relaxing for me though. I'm contemplating a big move this year also. My best friend is trying to convince me to move out to L.A. with him but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Truth be told, I wouldn't mind moving further south to Miami. There's a part of me that just wants to pick up and just go somewhere and start fresh and have some new adventures at least for a year. Sometime during the summer, I'm thinking about taking flying lessons. That's right...flying lessons. Its relatively cheap to learn and its one of those skills that you never know when it will come in handy. I'm also going to try and get back into martial arts. I practiced Tang Soo Do for 3 years when I was in high school. It was awesome. It was such a great tool for me. It kept both my mind and body sharp and it was such a great stress reliever. And I'm also going to start writing again. I haven't written anything in the past few months other than writing in my diary, and I feel like I have so much to say. I'd also like to go out and hit a few spoken word joints every now and again. I used to be heavy into the scene and just when I was getting a little buzz going on about me, things happened, and I just fell off the map. I NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN! Well, now I'm just rambling but I guess that's how I get when I've had to hold everything in for so long but this is only the beginning of a wild ride and good times for the New Year....so put that in your pipe and smoke it!!! 

Its been a hella long time since I've posted anything on my journal and I know that there are a whole lot of people out there who are like, "Yo E, WTF???" Well, I hit some financial difficulties so the nice folks at a local ISP have decided to rescind my net priveledges....in other words..I didn't pay my bill so they cut my ass off! Its all good though. But I'm on the way to getting back on and all that good stuff so I'll just post a quick update to let the folks know whats going on with me.

I'm still alive and I'm still out here surviving. I just got a promotion at work and a decent little raise so I'm all good on that front. I guess all those hours that I spent working my butt off finally paid off. Its good that I'm recognized but with the new position and the raise comes a lot of more responsibilities. I'm now the IT manager so I'm basically responsible for anything and everything electronic in my theater. I really dig it because I get to embrace my "inner geek" and get paid for it! Another good thing about my promotion is that I'm on salary now. To some, I know that being on salary is a given, especially if you have college degree, but I don't have my degree so this is a big step for me and with all the catastrophes that have been going on in the world this past year, I am so thankful for this blessing. Now there are a world of possibilities open to me. My company owns theaters just about everywhere in the U.S., if I felt the urge to move out somewhere like say....California...which I've been giving serious thought to, I could easily transfer out there.

Well other than that, there are only other minor details about what's going on that I can't get into right now because I have to make this entry kind of quick. If anybody wants to get at me, hit me on the email address that's in my profile. When I get some time, I'll post another update. Until then...TTFN!

Wanna hear something jacked up? I went out to my car happy as a lark about to go to work and when I walk up to my car.....I'll be damned if some punk ass summamabitch ain't broke out my fucking passenger side window and tried to steal my cd player  Right now I'm so hot right now that I don't even know what to do. I know it had to be some young ass kids that did it for a couple of reasons. First, they couldn't get the cd player out so they just fucked it up so now I can't even listen to it. Second, the cd player didn't even work so they played themeselves on that one. Third, it was a piece of shit cd player anyway. It wasn't like it was a top of the line Alpine or a Kenwood or a Clarion or anything that anyone in the know would place value on. It was an older Sony that came with my car. So I go to call the police to get them to come so I can file a police report and their sorry asses never even showed up  And they wonder why people hate them. The really sad part about it all is that since I own the car, I went the cheap route six months ago and only got liability insurance so needless to say, all of the repairs to my car are coming out of pocket. Depressing shit no matter which way you slice it. I do know this though, if something good does come out of this though, I am going to get a dragonfly tatoo. WTF?? I know that was mad random but here's the story behind that. All while I was out there cleaning up the glass and waiting on the no good Po-Po, there was this dragonfly that just posted up on my radio antenna on my car. I swatted at him trying to get him to go away but he just stayed there the whole time that I was out there. After I cleaned up all the glass up,and realized the cops weren't coming I decided to try to go to work because I needed the hours. When I came back out, my friend the dragonfly was gone too. Weird huh? Being the optimist that I am now, I see that dragonfly as an angel trying to let me know that everything is going to be alright and that there is something better coming for me on the horizon. On the other hand it could have been a bad omen that I just don't know about but I'm going to go with the former because it sounds better and I refuse to let the Devil break me down when things are going so well. Yet and still though, it still amazes me that some people can still just resort to random shit like that though just for no reason. And they don't even have anything to show for it. As for me, I've been thrown so many curveballs that I should be playing in the Major Leagues by now so this is just another one for me to hit out of the park. 

Today, I was just sitting around with Jazmine and a stray thought just jumped up into my head...."Damn, I sure have come a long way!" I already posted yesterday about what's going on with me, but I wanted to share something with the rest of the good people who have read my journal from day one and who have shared in my pain and given me nothing but love and support. I used to always ask myself if there was someone out there who would ever love me the way that I loved Summer. I guess God knew the answer to that and in due time he gave me the answer that I was looking for. The following is an excerpt from Jazmine's web journal that I wanted to share with everyone for two reasons. One, because it truly illustrates that time does indeed heal all wounds and Two, well, I know that somewhere out there that a certain someone is going to stumble across this entry and say to themselves "Damn, I really did make a mistake."  I know that sounds a little sick and twisted but now that I moved on, its like Rhett told Scarlett in gone with the wind..."Frankly my dear...I don't give a damn! "

Now, onto my favorite topic and the reason that I've been grinning insanely and have been happier than I've been in a LONG time, Gemini. He's wonderful. We're in SUCH a good place. We're getting closer and closer...and I'm falling harder and harder...one thing that I can honestly say, and I have done a lot of soul searching to figure this out...and I didn't have a choice in the matter. Not that you really ever do in matters of the heart. Somehow, when I wasn't paying attention, and I wasn't expecting it to happen...I fell in love with the man.  Yes...I said it, I said the L-word. My LOVELY family pointed out that it's so painfully obvious, that I could have it tattooed across my forhead and it STILL wouldn't be able to compare with the way it radiates from me. My grandmother had been in town last week, and me, her,my bro, and my mother all went out for a day (which at one point turned into tease me day) but she just kept looking at me. Over dinner, she pointed out that "I've never seen you in love, not like this. You really, really love this man." Which I could only respond, "yes".  People who don't really know me have noticed it. He's affected my moods, any time I think of him, I can't help but smile. He is so intelligent...I love having conversations with him. We can talk about anything and everything, he knows so much more japanese than me...so he's teaching me that, and I'm teaching him Spanish (which he's open to, and learns quickly). I feel so safe with him, he takes care of me, and shows so much trust in me, and I in him. I know that one day he'll be everything that I see in him. (award winning actor) and once everyone else can see what I already do, the groupies will be coming out of the woodwork...I trust him. I know how much he cares and how much I mean to him. And I know that none of these other guys could compare to him. He's protective, caring, sweet, and I find him to be incredibly sexy. Bottom line, he makes me happy...and reguardless of how things turn out...we'll always be friends. Wonderful no? Never thought this would happen to me again. Well, I'm just going to ride this thing til the wheels fall off! (to quote him) Anyway, I've got to run...so peace.

I hope that you all get a good laugh out of this high comedy because I know that I did and it just goes to show that even though things may seem bad at the time, there's always something better over the horizon.